Sometimes i have these thoughts of people that have attempted suicide.
Sometimes i think, during that free-fall of their jump to death, do they ever, at one split moment or second, regret their choices.
How scary because for something to trigger that free-fall.. it must have been something absolutely terrible. Something they have struggled or coped with.
It's interesting.. it's also very sad.
another post on gratitude
another post concerning my gratitude.
I am so thankful for the people around me.
I know there are times where i may not be in the best mood. be the kindest person. But i feel as if i am extremely lucky for the people God has given to me.
Yesterday i drove to Macquarie Centre and wandered around with two friends that were from my high school. It was lots of fun, just joking around and exploring new things and laughing at each other. I feel as if, as bad as i was during high school, my high school friends are such superb, kind and forgiving people (there is one or two exceptions..). But, this group of friends, they're the ones that make me reminisce the most about high school, and our little carefree days. As cheesy as it sounds, you can say they played a big part during my adolescence.
A really comfortable group of friends are my four besties from mono. We're all quite different, but at the same time, we are quite similar. We have differing tastes in music, fashion but i never fail to laugh with them. We have our four way conversations over dinner where conversations overlap each other and we don't really know who is saying what. We have our little silly laughs of people, places and things. These guys played a big part in my life too.. Always supportive no matter what. I like the fact that they're always straightforward, and if there is something wrong, the message will come across.
Finally, another group of people that i love dearly is my family. My mother, my father, my sister, my cousins (Andy, Neville, Thy, Angela, Marcus, Lena), my auntie and uncle (Andy's parents), my grandmother, my grandfather.. and there are a whole heap of people who i believe are a part of my family. I am grateful the way things are. I always look forward to christmas bbqs which andy's parents always organise. I love these people so much. Even though we do not meet up on a regular basis, when we do, things fall together, and we have lots of conversations going on! :)
I am grateful that my parents are not rich people. I feel as if this has made me realise how hard money is earned. I am happy my parents did not buy me a car when i turned 18, or gifted me a 3k Prada bag, because i believe these things do not really matter to me. I am happy with a shitty shitbox car at the moment (as long as it doesn't break down on me), i am happy with any bag as long as i think it looks nice and is durable.
Although this may sound terrible, but my grandmother's death this year taught me a great deal of things. As cheesy as this is, it is to seize every single moment with the people that you love. I hope my sister and i can buy a nice big house for my parents, and spoil them rotten, as we grow older and earn more money.
I am so happy they're on trips now and no longer need to spoon feed my sister and i, change our diapers, take us to primary or high school, and drive us to places. As my sister and i grow up, i also do not want to forget that my parents are growing old. Must show them lots of love while they're still here! :)
:( cant sleep. work tomorrow. million thoughts running.
gonna try watch shows and potentially make these thoughts disappear!
days like this,
you feel so helpless.
even the thought of appearing in public is frightening.
and all you think you need to do is take a deep breath and clear the lump in your throat, and things would become better.
i want to stop living like this.
feeling helpless.. and disgusted.
i keep telling myself that everyone has their own flaws... and positives and you're just like everyone else.
but that isn't the truth.
at least i don;t think so.
to the point
the human mind is funny.
sometimes, i don't even know what i do know anymore.
in fear of making decisions because of the outcome.
goals, thoughts and future aspirations
After i graduate, i want to take 6 months - 12 months off... Just away from serious career-related work.
i want to explore the earth's wonders.
i want to test my limits and strengths.
i want to improve myself.
After i graduate, i just want to dedicate one year or less to focus on things that i have always wanted to do.
Realistically, it might not be possible.. maybe due to the Asian traditions, my parents are most likely going to want me to jump straight into full time work.
As selfish as this sounds, i think i'll definietly dedicate 6 - 12 months off of tying myself down.
I want to be free. even if it's for a year.
After all, it is my life right?..
we'll see what the future holds.. but for now, this does sound like a great idea.
I have been rather miserable this semester.. maybe due to the undying stress of work, second job and university work..
Working 6 days a week is hell..
i need to learn to stop complaining though.
need to savour the pain so the future is brighter.
took my blood pressure at home today.
surprisingly, it's not too bad.. i thought i'd be stressing.
anyways.. that's whats on my mind!
even after two months,
i cannot stop repeating that same scene on the nights that i stayed overnight at the hospital accompanying you in your final days.
something is mentally screwing me over...
i watch videos, and listen to music and they still retrace me back to thoughts of you.
i miss you....
too bad such is life.
there seems to be quite an imbalance in my life at the moment.
but i do believe that there will be one day.. that i'll have more happier days than sad.