death and old age
This is a first for me.
Although my grandfather passed away in 06, i do not recall such immense feeling of pain.
my mind feels heavy, outweighed by a load of fleeting thoughts.
I do not know the difference between happiness and sadness.
I cannot understand how i should feel...
so much that the ache in my head is pounding.
i love you so much grandma,
i want you to stay strong, but i also need to know that if you go.. your suffering may be forgone as well.
should i be selfish?
how should i feel?
thank you for being such a sweetheart.
even when you are the one in pain, you never forget to ask those around you whether they are tired or not.
you are so humble.
last night i stayed over night at the hospital with my cousin to look after my grandmother.
although her voice was weak, and she found it difficult to speak, she still had conversations with us.
I remember i told her i was cold, and asked if i could borrow her hand to warm myself up.
Unsure if her constant gripping was from the Parkinsons disease she suffered from, but her grip was strong.
From time to time, she would ask me if i wanted her to warm her hands.
i feel sorry to you grandmother.
i am sorry that i did not make enough memories with you...
but like you told andy and i last night, we will be good people, and we will not forget what you have taught us.
we will not lie, cheat or steal for things that we haven't earned.
we will work hard to establish our careers, earn money and repay our parents.
feeling such intense pain at the moment.
jo - 25.06.2014.